Can't Anymore
by rdrumm5
Summary: After loosing another clinical patient, the one who couldn't tell his love that he loves him, Meredith sees that it could be her. She has to tell Derrick what she feels.


**"Can't Anymore" ** **Thanks to my Beta - Navona**

"Call it Dr. Grey" Derrick says, his voice sad and mixed with anger.

"Time of death 10:42." Meredith looks at the patient one more time before exiting the operating room.

The patient's name was Darren and he had been a soldier. He had been in love with a man, and had been estranged from his father because of it.

As she walks down the hall she sees the patient's lover, an army soldier named Todd, sitting in the corner with his head in his hands. Darren's father is sitting across the room away from him. Meredith watches them, afraid to go over and break the news. She takes a deep breath but before she can move the father gets up and walks over to Todd.

"I don't know what you and my son have together," he says to the lover. Todd looks up, his eyes teary. "I may not like it but I shouldn't stand in the way of it." When he finishes, he walks back over to his side of the room, sitting down again.

Todd's eyes show surprised and stunned amazement, but also happiness. Meredith is happy for him and sad at the same time. He finally gets the approval but it's too late.

Todd looks up and sees Meredith. He don't need for her to say a word for him to know what happened. He doesn't cry, because he is a soldier, but his eyes shine with tears. Obviously swallowing them back, he rises and walks over to the father.

"Sir, your son was the greatest man I have ever met; he was an excellent soldier an amazing person. You may not understand what we are but you can understand that you can't help who you love. I love- I loved your son, Sir, and it was an honor fighting with him." He raises his hand and salutes to the father, still holding in his tears.

The father watches him go and catches Meredith's face on the way out. Just by seeing her, he knows what Todd meant by 'loved'. He breaks down in tears. Meredith, seeing this, can't hold in her own tears and turns, running out of the hospital. Derrick, who is just entering the room, follows. Unfortunately, he bumps into Rose on the way out. When she realizes that he is chasing Meredith, her heart breaks.

"Meredith, wait!" Derrick yells.

They end up outside the hospital doors. It's pouring down and Meredith stops, knowing she can't go no further. Derrick doesn't go near her, afraid she'll tell him to go away. Meredith's tears are falling as fast as the rain, she can't raise her head yet. She finally turns to Derrick.

"I can not stop loving you," she finally says.

Derrick gapes at her, stunned. "Merr-"

Meredith cuts him off. " I want to, I do, I want you to be happy with her, but I can't. I can't just stop loving you. It's physically hurts me to watch you be with her and know that that can't be us. I know it's my fault we're not together because I'm so screwed up."

She is crying now, but continues on. "_I'm so sorry_! I wish I wasn't screwed up, I wish that I could trust you but I'm scared to be with you. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be. I want to be with you so bad. I can't sleep because my mind never stops thinking of you. I gave my heart to you long ago and you broke it but you also fixed it but I'm scared you might break it again so I push you away when you get close and I get why you can't take it anymore. I'm sorry, but I don't want to die alone without you, knowing that I love you, Derrick and I always will."

She is breathless by the time she finishes. She doesn't know how, but during her rant either she moved forward or Derrick did because they are now a foot apart. Her breath is ragged from talking and screaming.

Derrick stands still, shocked from Meredith's revelation. "Meredith I told you that I wanted to start a life with you and have kids, but you pushed me away and I know you're scared, I get that. I know how every person in your life disappointed you, including me. I get that you're scared to trust me, but I want to spend the rest of my life showing you and proving to you that you can. How can I show you that I won't ever break your heart again?" He steps forward as he speaks, taking her hands.

"I don't know," she whispers. "But I can't live without you. Please don't give up on me, Derrick. I can't take it if another person I love does that, I - I just can't take that."

Derrick knows that he can't deny her anything when shes hurting so bad inside. His heart breaks, he don't know how to show her that their life together could be great. He knows that it's going to hurt him being with her and that he'll have to deal with her pushing him away when she's scared, but he would rather he be in pain then her.

"I will never give up on you or us, I will not give up on the chance for us to be happy. I'm not letting you push me away anymore, I'm going to be beside you through all your pain and sorrow and I'm going to hold you through it all. I know that you are going to push me away hard but I'm going to push right back because Meredith, I can't live without you either." He pulls her close and kisses her passionately.

They mold together and the weeks they've been apart just melt in that one kiss.

Meredith knows that their relationship will be hard and a lot of it will because of her, but she's going to try and put her faith into Derrick. She just hopes that he will keep his promise that he won't give up on her.


End file.
